Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
