what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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