her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
