____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
