Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
