Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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