Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize