I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
