rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
