You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
