I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
