I cannot find my penis.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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