I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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