Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
