Duck Duck Cougar?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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