can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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