K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We got so high we made milksteak
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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