You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
