I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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