Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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