who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
