i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
