i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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