I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
