I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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