I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
