tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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