So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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