foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
