She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
