You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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