Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
