i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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