I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
