Don't make out with my wife yet
pop tarts are not kleenex
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
