just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
