i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
