I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
