I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
