i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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