he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
