Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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