The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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