i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
