things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
