shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
