please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
