God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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