What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
