dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
