i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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