Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
