she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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