I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
