the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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