Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
