you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
