Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
