I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
