Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
