In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize