I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
