If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
