A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
