I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
