i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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