i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
