Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
