your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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