There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
