Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
